25 Things You Shouldn't Know About Me

1. I have a severe issue with specific textures. If something has bumps, clumps, or holes in it I can not be around it. Example: Pomegranate fruit, cradle cap, or any of the water-logged shipmates from Pirates of the Caribbean. (Soggy Ship Mates)

2. My biggest fear in life is also my biggest obsession: Sharks. Watching a Great White shred a surfer’s sunbathed bod  is better than sex.

3. I am no longer welcome at the Chicago White Sox Stadium because I once smoked a cigarette too close to the players. I was then thrown in the drunk tank to have my photo taken and then escorted out of the park by 3 policemen.

4. I want to have a baby girl with Jason Bateman. And after I saw Never Say Never 3D in theaters I realized I want to have a son with Justin Bieber.


 5. I sold Xanax to the lead singer of “The Lumineers”. Apparently he has a hard time sleeping on the road. 

6. I once dropped my black laced thong on the side walk in front of my friends’ Dad who was trying to drive my drunk ass home from a work party. When he told me to pick them up I told him they were his.


7. They say “Once You Go Black, You Never Go Back”. They lied.  (HUHHHHHH?!?!?!?!)

8. I would drink a TRENTA filled with ginger dressing if no one was looking.

9. I rewound the scene where Zac Efron gets out of his car in the movie 17 AGAIN approximately 47 times. (Delic)

10. I sing “WIDE OPEN SPACES” by the Dixie Chicks in the shower when my roommate isn't home. Who doesn't know what I’m talking about? (Pun definitely intended)

11. I once hopped the fence to a random house and got naked in a hot tub with my landlord and his wife. My utilities were half off that month.    

12. My first French kiss was in a McDonald’s parking lot and I choked on the guys tongue. He was a senior in high school and could have passed for my Dad. My Mom was in the drive-thru ordering a Diet Coke.

13. I once went to a wedding and woke up with my history teacher passed out in bed next to me.

14. At the same moment 9/11 was happening I was discussing my friend’s penis size with him in speech class.

15. I have broken all 10 of my toes, mostly while drinking.

16. I physically wasn't able to swallow a pill until I was in 8th grade. My parents would make me sit at the kitchen table until I swallowed them. I would let them dissolve on my tongue and didn't care how long it took.

17. I rode a short bus to school for several years in junior high because a regular sized school bus wasn't able to make the turn around on my street.

18. I have a birthmark on my inner thigh that looks like a skidmark.

19. I started getting gray hair when I was 23.

20. I once made out with my cab driver in an Ulta parking lot. I got my high heel stuck in the meter.

21. When I was 9, my Dad took the family dog and I to work with him outside at a client’s house. I told him I had to go to the bathroom and he told me to go behind the bushes. I pooped and the dog ate it. My Dad was not impressed.

22. I have astigmatism in both of my eyes and I still don’t know what that means.

23. I worked at IHOP.


24. On New Years Eve, I dropped a glass of wine and it shattered on Brian Urlacher’s bouncer’s foot. I was trying to high five Bri but the bouncer told me to get away from him. 

25. I lost my virginity the day after my Mom asked me if I was a virgin. 

Cheers,

Ti-Bag