25 Things You Wouldn't Want to Know About Me

Sorry Mom...

1. I've been to 1 orgy in my life. I did not participate but I did take photos.

2. I don’t like Madonna. There, I said it. I think she sucks at singing and sucks even more at dancing and I don’t understand how she gets all these hot young guys. Her face looks like a soggy piece of shredded wheat.

3. I hate girls with super short hair. You are a girl. One of the best things about being a girl is having long luscious locks. The only excuse for helmet hair is if you've been terminally ill. And even then it just ain't right.

4. When I need a pick me up at work I google Jon Hamm’s penis. You’re welcome. Yes please.

5. I've had sex with one republican. We all make mistakes.

6. The carpet matches the drapes.

7. I think I would make a great second wife. I would also make a great basketball, football, and hockey wife. I would not be a good stay at home wife. Or a faithful wife.

8. I once helped Lindsey Lohan move from one Hollywood apartment to the other. Over the course of the evening she ashed her cig several times on my foot, offered me a meal of vodka and Sudafed and walked around topless trying on clothes from her ex-boyfriend Sam Ronson. 

9. Confession: I, Waz Ma-Taz, admit in the 4^th grade to sticking a tack through a library book. I know I lied to all my teachers, and my friends and the librarian, but it was in fact me who did it. I disgraced my entire school and the Boxcar Children.

10. When I was young I slammed my sister’s finger in the door and she nearly lost it. Luckily it was saved and reattached at the hospital but it now resembles the gnarled mandrake root Pan kept under her bed. It is her engagement finger. 

11. I would rather have 3-cheese meaty lasagna for my birthday than a cake.

12. I hate surprises.

13. I've never seen a full episode of the Simpson’s, Homeland or the Sopranos. Get over it. 

14. I don’t believe in god, ghosts, angels, or dairy.

15. I think the Taco Bell Volcano taco is one of the greatest taste explosions ever to be created. Even with all these “horse meat” rumors swirling about, I am still a devoted fan.

16. I have total Latin fever. I am so devoted to their people I once spent three days in a wooden shack in the middle of the jungle perfecting my salsa moves with a gentleman who spoke parrot, howler monkey and Spanish. 

17. I think Casey Anthony is innocent.

18. I went to school to be a journalist, ended up working in reality television and secretly just want to be a back-up dancer in late night rap vids. Drop it Low

19. I once went home with an amateur UFC fighter. My hips sockets have never been the same.

                                                                20. I love children. And puppies.

 

21. In college I got a fat lip from a week long bender of partying. I made my friend stop off at a gas station to purchase a pocket sized sewing kit to pop the blister on my swollen upper lip before returning home to face my roommates – she’s called me Ducky ever since. 

22. I once stole from Claire's. And JC Penny’s. Sorry PIC. You know who you are. 

23. One time when I was riding home from gymnastics practice my Dad turned to me and told me he wished I would become a professional singer someday. I told him I would love to but that I wasn't very good at singing. He said he’d noticed.  

24. I once got so drunk in Santa Monica I had to take an $80 taxi ride home. Neither me nor my friends had any money so I had to strike a deal with the driver: One friend made out with the smooth criminal, the other gave him an aromatherapy neck rub, and I sang a Vanessa Carlton song to keep everyone focused. Sang it.

25. When I was 5 I found a baby kitten in a cornfield. I hid it in my room and fed it Kraft singles. Once when I was scolding it for pooping under my bed it bit my finger and drew blood – I got so mad I put the kitten in the street at the end of our cul-de-sac and never told my parents.  

Cheers and Sorry,

WAZ